It been about 3 hours since i had a big blow up with my sister in the kitchen. It wasn’t our first fight and chances are high, not the last one either. It was overdue and warmly welcome to finally get that chance to let it all out whats been pissing us off for way too long. It might be after all one of the oldest story in the world, two sisters that simply don’t get along and couldn’t be anymore different from each other.

While i am the one that loves to travel, try new things, meet new people, learn new things, eat healthy, look after myself, stay active and keep looking for constant new challenges, she is to 95% the complete opposite. Which isn’t a bad thing and well excepted if it would make her feel good and happy. But the sad truth is it doesn’t. Even more her life choices are making her really sick and soaking the life out of her. And even so it is called a life-choice I’m not quite convinced you could call it her choice. Its more her not-moving-forward-sit-there-and-waitness. She is more likely hanging out in a world full of self pity and reasons why she can not move on and change the things that are making her unhappy for over a decade with no intentions to leave.

She smokes like a train for just as long and since quite a while she is drinking by herself almost daily. She calls me sometimes in her tipsy state of happy-high and is over euphoric on every topic she has to disgust. Denying all the way that she had any alcohol and trying to convince me that she is sober as. I have a 10+years Bar work experience and can sense a drinker out the door within a sip. But good, she won’t stop pretending not to drink and i gave up to ask the sad question if she had. My interest are more likely now on how can i get out of this phone call as soon as possible.

This might all sound a bit raff and heartless to an outstanding person but to every story there is a start and ours started way way waaay back in 2008. Yes technically it started when i was born but that was all harmless with her back then, she wasn’t on my balls and we didn’t now much about troubles and never ending problems.

This only started as said in 2008 when i moved to munich. She had been living there for already a few years and was quite settled. Back than she was already doing the job she didn’t enjoyed and still is doing just with the one difference that it was still fresh(er) and not winched out all the way and over a decade.

So we both lived in a town which wasn’t our home and i can tell that back than things where a lot more fun with her and she at least and to my pleasure was a active outgoing person. I am very thankful for the start she gave my and the support i received from her when i needed it. As a jung art student i was a walking cliché , always broke and hungry and she was the one with a full fridge and always a few coins to spare. When i lost my room and was in-between two share houses i could stay at hers without a question till i was settled again. In return i was there for her when she broke up with her fiancé, went to a intense time with drugs and had a miscarriage with twins from a boy that until than didn’t really matter.  As you can see things where not always completely bad. It was only a year later when i decided to pack my bags and leave for Australia when the things went intense.

Two month before my departure i made it official, i got myself the ticket to Sydney and the excitement was growing day by day. It was also than that my sister went into a maniac. From then on she would cry every day i would see her. And not just in a loving sister-is-going-to -miss-you cry but the hole hysteria. I always took myself time for her, she deserved it after all and sit down and talk it out, spend more time to cheer her up and take her out to new things, for shopping, bike rides or food trips. I even bought her a new bike so she could go ahead and keep exploring the city this great way. All of this every single day.

But it wouldn’t get better with her. It would only get worse and continued until my finale night.

The night before the flight, the night of my going away party. It was such a great fest, all my friends from all over Germany came, my best friend who was living at the time in Switzerland, and a few i didn’t even except that came to surprised me, i was so happy to see all of them. But it was only until half an hour into my leaving party when the first person came over to tell me that i should come outside as my sister is crying hysterical.

Again.

With all the love i had for her this was too much and not the right time, all my friends had to stay behind so that i could go and talk to her and try to calm her down. But this time she wouldn’t come down. She was crying, holding my arm, wouldn’t let me move, told me to ditch my party and friends, insulted my friends who came to cheer her up that they don’t know me as much as she did and so on. . it just wouldn’t stop. It wasn’t anymore a sister drama who was sad as a sister, she was more acting like i was her boyfriend who broke up with her and on some way i have the feeling she got lost in that kind of sick headspace and treated it this way.

It was so embarrassing and i felt disgusted by all this drama so i left her behind and started to focus on the rest of the crowed who had made a lot effort to be there that night. I saw here on and off in dark corners looking at me with reproachful eyes and i guess hoping i still would ditch my party to go and spend the rest of the time just with her. But i wouldn’t. She needed to learn and except that we are free to go and do what ever we wanted to do and should be happy for each other and supportive and not only focusing on the absolute negative of loosing and being alone. And so i would leave the fallowing day and our ways would separate for the next 7 years. Sure there was a phone call once in a while but since calls overseas would still be expensive and she dint know how to use the internet(as well as made no effort to learn it) it would stay to a bare and appreciated minimum.

 

Seven years later i would find my way back home to set my roots in Berlin. There was no rush for me to get in touch with my family but thanks to social media i couldn’t hold off for too long. One of the first things i got to hear from her over the phone was how great this is that we know can have phone calls daily and get as close as if i have never left. Once again i felt disgust. I still do while i am just writing this. The truth is, there is not much that has happen to her since i have left. She still lives in the same one bedroom apartment which she don’t like with her two cats in a city she don’t like, works a ridicules amout of hours for a team that is constant bitching and company that isn’t appreciating the effort and may not even pay a christmas bonus or a holiday pay. The same thoughts are going trough her mind regards and the same lifestyle is accomplishing her daily unhappiness. The bike i got her got stolen the first year and never was replaced even if she would love to go on a bike ride some times and and and.

Before listening to her going on and on here about all the things that should have changed in 7 years for a better but have not and perhaps never will, i needed to cut it straight ahead before it just started to go the wrong way again. And she still tries even if i told her that i can’t do it again and don’t have the time for hours of phone calls every day, she tries to call and cause its my sister i pick up fro time to time and she tries to tell me the same shit over her boring life again. I give her advice to change this and that, she tells me once again why she can not change, to a point after 30 min of going back and forth later when we start to ague cause she is wasting my time and she tells me ‘I’m not like you’ for the thousands time again. . half polite i cut and we hang up where she is still pressing one ‘i love you’ in and i simply can’t agree and leave with silence.

It is so frustrating.

This weekend she came with her boyfriend for a visit. What person would i be if i wouldn’t believe in the good and say no. We spend the sunday together and it was pretty quick clear  that things are no different from the other. We couldn’t be any more different from the other and even or just because for the sake of the family i couldn’t keep going like this and leave it open. I always tell myself not hold on to people that won’t make me happy and in this case I’ve been pushing it for many many years but at the end of the day it will never fit and i do believe now that on the long run it will make us both happier if we except that fact and let go.

And so we had the final blow up this morning in the kitchen as the didn’t had taken it as soft as i thought it would. Guess thats one lesson i still have to learn, not everyone feels the same way. She certainly does not see it between us this bad and even if we argue all the time she still believes this is a health relation and things should continue this way. I feel sad about it. In the same way there is the right moment and time for everything and this one was ours to let it go and move on. . May we all find what we need.